We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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