Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Green mimosas i think yes
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize