the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
