Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Randomize
