I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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