the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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