He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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