The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
