i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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