wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
