I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
