I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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