I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
