there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
