I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
