I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
