college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
