I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I supernannyed him into submission
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
