Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
