Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
