THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
