Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
