i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
