im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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