I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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