Can i not drive my cunt home
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
