2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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