Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
