stop calling my apartment porn island.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
When are your genitals available?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
