At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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