Your dad touched me again.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
