Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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