you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
