please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
