he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
