This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
