Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
