I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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