Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
