I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
