are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
