3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
