You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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