He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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