i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
