ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
