Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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