You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
