fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Randomize
