New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
