the condom got lost in my hair
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
