Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
